Acclaimed Comedian Fends Off Offended College Students With Even More Offensive Jokes

An acclaimed writer and comedian, associated with several large-name cable networks, was recently invited to a college comedy session hosted in the campus center.  College students payed a fair fee to attend and were delighted, in the beginning, when the comedian started talking about daily cultural norms and bland politics.

However, things clearly took a turn for the dark when the comedian began mentioning liberal politics, and the supposed comedy session got downright nasty when he started telling jokes about ‘oppressed’ minority groups.

All accounts of the comedy session agree that the jokes were actually quite good.  However, that didn’t matter as any jokes about minority groups is always wrong.  At least, that’s according to statements made by the college student council following the event.

While on stage, the comedian began telling jokes about gays, blacks, taxi drivers, airport security, hipsters, pianists and Jewish people.  Waves of indignation could visibly be seen spreading up and down the student body as eyes popped open and sphincters snapped shut.

Members of the student council who were present attempted to cut the mic, however, the guy in charge of the sound system had gone home for the night and the students present couldn’t find the right switch, despite flipping several of them in a desperate attempt to stave off the hate.

Despite flickering lights and the doors opening and closing on their own, the comedian continued to deliver a non-stop stream of hilarity and light-hearted cultural introspection.

Desperate to stop the hate-filled bigot, several of the students actually tried approaching him on stage and forcefully taking the mic.

Determined not to lose his momentum, the comedian simply raised his free arm and began telling jokes about the students themselves.  Knocked back a few feet by the aura of hate and negativity, the students were forced to flee from the stage and evacuate the campus center.

The comedian, after finishing his stint sometime later, quietly and respectfully packed up his materials and went home for the night.

As of writing, those students closest to the stage were being treated for PTSD by campus doctors.  Those who actually approached the comedian and were knocked back by his vitriol have been put into decontamination for fourteen days, to ensure they remain uninfected by pure hate.

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Cohen Reveals Trump’s Evil Russian Plot!

Michael Dean Cohen, the Manhattan-based attorney and former retainer to then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, has pled guilty to financial and election-related fraud charges.  Under investigation by the Mueller Probe, Cohen cut  deal and has pled guilty as of late August, 2018, clearly implicating Trump in his initial confession.

Among the charges Cohen has confessed to are the typical white-collar crimes of violating campaign finance laws, tax fraud and bank fraud.  Curiously, Cohen has also revealed the President’s dire plan to “Russianize” the entire United States of America.

“It starts with the Bourbon,” Cohen said in court, “Trump will use tariffs to ease out all Bourbon from the country, while flooding the market with vodka financed out of his own pocket.”

When asked how the President intended to accomplish this, and to what purpose, Cohen simply waved his hand.  “Oh, it’s far worse than just that,” he said.

“The President also plans on making Dua Lipa his Secretary of the Press and RT the official news outlet of the U.S. Government.”

“Isn’t Dua Lipa an Albanian?” a court spectator was heard asking.

“Oh, there’s more,” Cohen reassured (again), “the President also plans on putting into place a secret Gestapo of federally funded agents who will be charged with nothing less than spying on American citizens electronically.”

“We already have that,” noted one prominent Republican, “it’s called the FBI.”

Cohen again waved off the criticism and continued on, claiming that President Donald Trump planned on opening several Russia ‘themed’ amusement parks across the country and inviting Putin over to the White House for cheese and schnapps.

Mueller, for his part, was visibly hanging on to the end of his seat for the entire session, his fists white-knuckle on the armrests.

Yellow Jacket Rioters Accidentally Stumble Across Tomb Of Nicholas Flamel

While busy pummeling police and anti-riot troops with tiles and stones scraped from the streets themselves, a particularly industrious group of Yellow Jacket rioters were shocked to discover a sealed hole under a seemingly mundane thoroughfare they had been standing on.  The hole wasn’t that large, but it was boarded up with wood that was half-eaten by mold and sported a dire warning in Old Latin that read ‘Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter.’

Several of the rioters entered the hole, reported a series of dusty, old tunnels, and proceeded to explore before disappearing.  Hours later, only a handful re-emerged, bloody and streaked with grime, crying and rambling about a dead Templar grandmaster and a hidden chamber with a red stone that glowed with infernal light.

“I warned them not to touch the gold!” one Yellow Jacket was explaining over and over again.

A second one was hugging himself on the stone pavement, mumbling something about “As Above, So Below…”

News of the discovery spread quickly, but the French police soon raided the scene and secured the hole.  The pavement was hastily repaired and high-level government officials were spotted directing the work.

As of the time of the writing of this article, strange noises and voices were being reported by local residents but local news outlets refused to cover the story.

President Trump Accused Of Racism Following Pardoning Of White-Only Turkeys

Racist, sexist, dog-whistling neo-nazi President Donald Trump was accused earlier today of overt racism when, during the course of releasing two turkeys for Thanksgiving this year, onlookers on the Far Left noted that all of the turkeys released were curiously all white.

“People need to wake up,” Jurno, a local barista and blogger-activist, said of the event, “our president not-so-elect is really a closeted racist whose prejudice shows even when he’s picking turkeys for Thanksgiving.”

When asked if Jurno understand that all farm-raised turkeys are white, he said he was ‘incredulous’ and that he ‘wouldn’t believe it until he got it from Buzzfeed.’

“So even the farmers are racist?” he was heard asking on his phone immediately following the questioning.

Carrots and Peas, the turkeys pardoned this year are currently headed from the White House to their new life in the Presidential Flock where they will live out their days among other turkeys favored by presidents of the past. Curiously, the turkeys pardoned by Obama have all disappeared – and Trump is reported to be enjoying a second, even grandeur banquet tonight alone with his family and hand-picked associates.

Mueller Probe Unveils New Direction Of Investigation: Trump’s Unpaid Parking Tickets

In a bold move to bolster the nation’s faltering confidence in the Mueller Probe, special counsel Robert Mueller has unveiled a new plan of attack… er.. investigation this past Wednesday during a major press conference.

“After careful deliberation and counsel with the Department of Justice,” Mueller began, “we have decided to follow through with one promising lead.”

At this point, Mueller and two top aids uncovered a board they had present with them which displayed two blown-up images of New York State parking tickets.

“These tickets, uncovered after several hours of hard work, and millions of dollars in taxpayer funds, have finally revealed the truth for the American people – that our President-elect has been lax in his civic duties.”

The two tickets, one dating back to the early 2000’s, and the other going back even further into the 90’s, are being heralded by the Far Left as the ‘smoking gun’ and further ‘damning’ evidence of President Trump’s corruption.  Several top news networks have already empaneled several experts to discuss this newest piece of evidence.

“I think it shows a serious lack of foresight on the part of our President,” one internationally recognized expert who no one has heard off said, “how can we have faith in this President to lead the country when he can’t even remember to pay back two parking tickets?”

Of course, this new series of investigations has also brought renewed criticisms for the Mueller Probe itself.

When asked what exactly two of Trump’s parking tickets have to do with the security of the nation’s electoral system (the original purpose behind the Probe was to investigate for any signs of Russian or outside influence) Mueller seemed to struggle for a few moments.

“I think…  I think it shows a clear lack of insight into our President,” he said, “bad faith and all that.  Yes, next question now please.”

 

 

Democratic Party Unveils New Party Mascot

With Hillary Clinton kinda-sorta signaling for a third run at the oval office, and Nancy Pelosi poised to waste the next two years of slim House majority rule investigating Trump for everything from tax fraud to unpaid parking tickets, the DNC (Democratic National Committee) has decided it was high time to reevaluate the party’s over-all values and appearance.

And among the first steps the DNC has taken is to rebrand the entire political party with a new mascot representative of the Democrat’s new-found initiatives – the Lemming.

“It just seemed natural,” one DNC chairman said, asking to have his name withheld, “the focus and devotion of the Lemming really appealed to us.  Everybody just kinda looked at us sideways and asked what we were smoking, but after exchanging ideas, it just felt right among all of us.”

The small rodent Lemmus lemmus, or ‘Lemming,’ is a famous mammal renowned for its species possessing a Sisyphus complex and mass immigration/suicide that occurs due to overpopulation.

Apparently, something in that life-cycle drama appealed to the Democrats on a subconscious basis, because the entire upper-half of the Democratic Party has adopted the changes wholesale.

Cult Of Acosta

Jim Acosta, famed CCN jews reporter and recently-stapled cultural-icon, has gone one step farther and founded an honest-to-himself cult.  Given his cult-like following within the aging cable news networks, and his popularity among the Far Left, citizens and politicians alike weren’t surprised when photos and stories of Acosta-led cult services surfaced on the web.

Images of the services show Acosta, clad in a deep black robe with wide cowl, standing before a blazing fire into which two acolytes are hurriedly chucking paperback editions of The Art Of The Deal.  Rows of devout worshippers are bent over at his knees and two robed figures straddling goats are set beside him.

When asked about his new status as a cult leader in addition to his role as journalist/pundit, Jim Acosta was surprisingly forthcoming.  “It’s not that its a cult of personality,” he was quick to point out, “but somebody has to stand up to Trump and his ego.  I mean, if I don’t give the people an alternate ego to worship, who will?”

Worship services consist of fireside chats by Acosta and several hours spent chanting praises to him and his fight against ‘the Orange Man Bad.’

Cult meetings are held in a back studio to the CCN offices and are held every Tuesday and Thursday at the stroke of midnight.

One ex-cult member has confirmed that the figures riding the goats are Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo.